LOVE vs Trauma Bond

How to get out of a trauma bond?

Sometimes we get hurt & cry over a bond and call it a relationship. We can’t leave the person even though we want to because mentally and physically we feel sick. But can it be called a “Relationship”? That is a “TRAUMA BOND”. But what is this trauma bond?

When a person normally gives you so much pain & occasionally treats you well. In that constant painful bonding, He/She occasionally starts behaving well to you, makes promises, makes you dream which makes you believe that he/she will change. And this behavior makes the journey more traumatic. And when this cycle keeps going on and on it creates the trauma bond. No matter how much you want to leave that person you end up going back to that person. Because this cycle starts feeling familiar. But why & how do we get trapped into this weird cycle? Here are the reasons:

1. 1. Dopamine Release: After every patch-up, you get a hit of dopamine. You feel so much peace after a very unpeaceful period of time every time you patch up again. And it releases dopamine in your body. Which is a feel-good hormone. And as you keep doing this again and again your body craves for that dopamine and you can’t do anything but go back to the same experience again.

1. 1. Intense emotional connection: See, when you are always getting a dopamine release after every patch-up, it makes you feel insecure when the person isn’t around you. And after doing all the gaslighting things when he/she comes back you start to feel secure & relaxed around that person. And this feeling lets your brain think that he/she is your comfort zone & you can’t live without them.

3. Manipulation & Control: When we love someone, we love everything about them. Even though they are doing something which goes completely against our values, we start to negotiate. And that’s where a person with complete RED FLAG starts getting the courage and confidence to do the things which will harm you in a very artistic way. They even make excuses for their own CHEATING and will logically make you understand in a way that will make you feel that maybe it was your fault.

4. Fear & Threats: When a fake person knows that the other person is loyal to him/her, he will make proper use of that weakness. He/she will try to control your whole life. He/she will point out every single thing of you from where you get your happiness, the things which make you genuine. And they will question your strengths/uniqueness and make you feel insecure about your identity. They will threaten you or do things that will make you feel that he/she might leave me if I do these things. And that’s where you start drowning in your fear.

5. Isolation & Dependency: We all want attention from the person we love. Getting Attention from the loved person is peaceful. But we also have our family, friends, and other connections. We have responsibility towards them. An abuser wants to isolate you from your friends, families, hobbies and wants you to fully become dependent on him/her. They will slowly isolate you from your family, friends, networks and make you completely dependent on that one person which makes it more difficult to get out of that relationship. The victim will think of getting out of that controlling behavior but in the next moment, he will feel his emotional dependency on that person and will decide to be stuck with that person.

So, what is the solution to it? How can anyone get out of this trauma bond?

Before telling you the solution, Let me tell you my very own experience. “In my toxic relationship, I had to make the decision to stop talking to that person, just to make that person realize that, what she is doing & asking me to do is not right. I was forced to make that decision because it was so intolerable. So I stopped talking for a few days and was expecting an apology from her. But guess what? Did I really get an apology? Hahha! NO. I found her to be in a relationship just after a few days I stopped talking to her.

My friend, I know you love that person, and you can’t do a single thing that will hurt your loved one. You will think that, even though we have a problem in our relationship, we can make it work by compromising. But my friend, “NO”. It is only you who will have to make sacrifices all through life just like you have COMPROMISED all these times. The other person will never compromise on anything. Now if you ask me then, how did you get out of your trauma bond? Then the answer is TIME. I couldn’t get out of it. I only have SUFFERED & begged the person to return. But she didn’t. Rather she did some really ugly things which made me think that, “Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I could have tolerated a bit more at that time.” I was helpless and here are the things that I did to get out of that trauma experience.

1. 1. Pray to The Almighty: This one should be at the top. I don’t care which religion you follow or even if you are an atheist or whatever is your belief. Please, keep faith in God. Take a shower, wear whatever is best in your closet/almirah and turn off all your devices and everything, lock your room and pray to the Almighty. Cry to him. Ask him for help. Ask him to fix you up anyhow. Say whatever comes to your mind. Seek help from him.Trust me, once you start crying to the almighty, it works like magic. I am not manipulating you or telling lies to you in any way. It really works like magic. Just try it once.

1. 1. Share with Your Friends: I am blessed with so many good friends who really love me. I shared the whole story again and again with them & they listened to my story. Some of them only have listened and some of them gave me some really good advice which gave me the courage to come back and gave me the ability to write.

1. 1. Cry: This ADVICE is deep down from me. Some will tell you, “why are you crying? he/she isn’t worth your tears & bluh bluh. But my suggestion is Don’t keep your sorrow inside you. Let them come out of your heart. Crying will make you feel lighter. When you cry, your heart gets the strength to live. I know so many people who don’t cry and portray themselves to be stronger & ended up doing harm to themselves and to their families. So please cry. A person who cries is less likely to harm themselves. I am telling again please cry & do not harm yourself.
      
      Let me tell you more, if you are someone who is just showing the world that, Yes, I am fine. I have no problem. I don’t care & bluh bluh. You are more likely to be diagnosed with TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) & later Post TBH (Traumatic Brain Headache). I myself have diagnosed with this thing, and trust me bro! That is really a painful experience. If you are lucky like me, you will be cured. But if you are not, then I don’t know. Maybe You will have to suffer from mental illness all your life. So please, don’t pretend that you are okay when you are not.

1. 1. Try Achieving Small Successes: Be around people who will lift you up. Try to do things in which you really are good at. Don’t go for achieving something that is out of your league or very hard to achieve in this condition. Try to achieve smaller successes where you will be praised by others and you will get the right attention. Getting good attentions magically works. I am telling this from my experience.

5. Practice Self-Care: In the process of healing, always prioritize yourself. I know you don’t have interest in any of the things. But please listen to me & Do the things that you have always loved doing. Watch movies, go for a tour, exercise a little anything, I mean anything that makes you feel good other than getting in touch with that person.In the process of self-care, suppose you are listening to music and the lyrics are hurting you, giving you pain. Stop listening to it right then. Your hurt is now in the habit of tolerating pain. Stop doing that to yourself. Your pain isn’t worth it.

6. Stop Stalking Them: This is the most important thing to do. Stop knowing about the other person. Stop any kind of interaction. Delete all his/her pictures, conversations, numbers, numbers of any of his/her friend and every possible thing that reminds you of him/her. And avoid any kind of interaction with the people who know her or close to her. And if you guys are from the same circle, then just be out of that circle and make a new circle. Avoid anything that gives you pain. Don’t be sad and regret. One day all of these will be fine and everyone will understand that you were right.

7. Therapy & Healing: If by doing all these things doesn’t work for you, then please go to a therapist. Going to a therapist will make you stronger from inside. It gives you strength by believing that, “Yes. There is someone in this world you trust me. Who understands me and prioritizes my emotions”. That is actually what we need in the process of healing.

After all these words, the only truth I want to tell you is, it is only you who can fix yourself. Nothing in this world can fix you if you don’t want to fix yourself up. And yes, if the TRY is from your inside you will be healed. So, stop tracing that person and only focus on your happiness.